Fear

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Wow.... That's all I gotta say.
Ok maybe not... I have a lot to say :) lol that's why I have a blog in the first place. Anyways, so how fitting is that statement? I mean really, sure were all scared of falling short but in reality it's the fear of success, freedom, and independence that keeps us falling over and over again.

It really becomes apparent to me when i read in Romans and Galatians about freedom and find myself with a ball of anxiety in my stomach.
"what do I do with myself if I'm not constantly planning, thinking, worrying, busy, or distracted?"
I think most of us really don't know what true freedom really feels like.
The freedom to truly live in the Love of God and express/use wholeheartedly the gifts we have been blessed with.
At least I know I don't.
I pray that we can all avoid "playing small and shrinking down" our God given abilities and truly use our blessings to bless others and serve the Lord.
What God given abilities have u been blessed with? What is keeping you from using them to glorify God to the fullest?
Let's break free from the bondage of fear and insecurity and start living out our Love for God by using the "talents" (reference Matthew 25:14) he has given each of us.

God bless,
And feel free to post success stories on how ur learning and growing in Christ and your progress in breaking free.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." (2 Timothy 1:7 AMP)

Amen!!!

Tired...again

Well this is one of those days where im just tired..... again.
I feel so burnt out and frustrated. It seems like no matter how hard I try, how much i read, how much i pray, nothing seems to change.(Or at least not at a pace i like)
Its frustrating that my past is what it is and that even though I "know" the truths God says in his word it doesnt seem to stick or reach a deep place for very long.

As i was writing that last part the parable of the sower came to mind.
It seems like worldly concerns combined with Satans influence are "choking" my growth as a Christian.
I actually was listening to a sermon today on worry and the women giving the sermon described worry as chronically not trusting God and his promises. wow, pretty strong way of putting it if you ask me, but you know what its absolutely true. If i truly trusted and believed in the God of the Universe depicted in the Bible there should be no reason to worry. Yet how easy is it to lose sight of how true, omniscient, omnipresent, all-powerful, and faithful he is. Its hard to fathom theres no doubt especially in the midst of my anxieties pain and confusion.

I will just trust in him that he will do his work in me because im tired of trying to do it myself and worrying whether im doing it "right" or not.

Confidence In Christ

I've spent my whole life feeling inferior and inadequate.
Always trying to "live up" to others expectation.
Even when i was good at things and received praise for  it my joy and confidence was robbed by guilt and fear that I was a bad person because being good and excelling = pride = bad.
So I sabotaged myself (ring a true to anyone else?); I avoided situations/experiences/life, isolated from the people who loved me, distracted from my negative feelings in unhealthy ways, and eventually ended up in such a deep dark hole of depression and anxiety that nothing seemed "right"
If I talked to one person i was being mean and neglecting everyone else, if i watched t.v. or read a book i was selfish and lazy, if i tried to write/journal/facebook/etc. i stressed out so much about writing the "right" thing that i ended up avoiding it altogether and dont even get me started about school stress

ugh

So I read a chapter out of "The Purpose Driven Life" today called Understanding your shape  and it really put all this stress anxiety and worry about abilities into perspective. It was an amazing chapter about how each member of the body of Christ is unique, and that we were made to use the talents, abilities, skills, and the personality Christ gave us to serve in our own way. Whether its a stereotypical, obvious avenue of service (pastoral, missionary, etc.) or not anything can be done for Gods glory. I liked how Rick Warren put it when he said "What i'm able to do, God wants me to do... and it feels good to do what God made you to do"
How encouraging is that! We dont have to worry and stress about "doing everything" He created us just the way we are to serve him in our own special way that noone else can. As it says in 1 Corinthians 12:6 "Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit;and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord;and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good."


We all have different gifts yet the Holy Spirit is present throughout all of them!!


And it doesnt have to be anything super fancy, exciting, powerful, groundbreaking, or "Religous". Our everyday daily activities can be an act of worship and satisfaction.

"Whether you eat or drink do it all for the glory of God"
1 Corinthians 10:31

So take that Legalistic, negative, condemning, inferior thoughts!
No matter what i do i can praise God, (apart from sin obviously)
But even if i do something i think is glorifying God and the Holy Spirit reveals to me I sinned, It's ok I'm forgiven! God is soooo gracious praise him! I can choose to learn and live a more satisfying life from that experience.
so you know what?!?!?!

Im done trying to fit into the molds that people want to place me into. I will not be labeled in any other way. The only labels i will accept are the ones Christ has placed upon me. ( new creation, child of God, more than a conquerer, free from sin and death, forgiven, redeemed, declared not guilty/condemned, temple of the Holy Spirit, ambassador, strong, loving, of sound and peaceful mind, etc.)
 I will be strong in who he says i am and i will not fall back into making others comfortable by conforming into a "socially acceptable" "worldly" lifestyle and attitude

I'm going to live out my faith using MY God given talents, abilities, and personality and stop trying to "conform to the ways of this world..."

Whos with me?

Now what?

So ya, I can see how my life's choices/behaviors haven't been to productive/satisfying/fulfilling internally but what do I do about it? I mean I've invited Jesus into my heart and life and I truly do want to live for him, but I still struggle. I'm still anxious, I still have doubts, I still have negative/condemning thoughts that leave me feeling so defeated and shameful. If I just "believed" enough I would be healed.....right?

Well i honestly dont know the answer but I would like to think that since Jesus knows my heart he knows that i truly do desire to know/live/believe in/trust and truly rely on him.

Im living now as if, (even though I dont feel it), God could love me and that even though im confused, scared, doubtful, anxious, insecure, and sad at times it doesnt mean im not saved. He still loves me and his  promises apply even if i dont feel it.

Anyone else feel this way ?

Picking up the pieces

So now what?

I mean Im 19 years old and have spent my whole life hating every inch of my being, never feeling adequate, always feeling like i was "missing out". Partly because i was, i spent probably 60% of my adolescence within the confines of treatment centers across the country and when i was home every waking moment i was reminded of how "different" and "screwed up" i was compared to everyone else. 

I looked around me and saw kids smiling, having fun, going on vacations, developing relationships, dating, etc. While i just fought to stay alive. Not to mention at age eight I remember begging God to use me, take my heart, and turn me into the person he wanted me to be. Is this what you had in mind God?!?!?!?! I felt so angry and bitter at God, but yet hated myself for feeling that way. Who was I to question the God of the universe/? And what a terrible person I must be for feeling angry at God. The guilt, shame, and self-hatred festered and time after time when i tried to be positive, have hope, and change i fell flat on my face. It got to the point where I just gave up... i wrote this poem sometime inbetween treatments during a summer when i was in the midst of a severe relapse and was bingeing and purging around 12-15 times a day.

Will the pain inside ever cease to exist?

My worthless spirit alone in the mist.

Does anyone ever hear my cry?

The only way out, it seems, to die.

A simple way to end a life,

stop it all with the slip of a knife.

To kill the pain along with the body

hoping to rise to a place that is holy.

Where no more pain and hurt can touch

my weary soul my long worn crutch.

Lord o' Lord, King of kings

why have you not saved me from disease?

And why is my life so plagued with hurt,

that my deepest desire is to be buried in dirt.

I was tearing up just typing that out, the pain, confusion, and hopelessness just ripped me limb from limb. Even today as i sit here i feel so sad, that younger Will felt so alone and instead of accepting the love of others around him he continued to try and "tough it out". But in doing so just dug himself into a deeper hole. 

Man.... 

Now I pose the question to all of you out there, does any of my story ring true to you?

Maybe not as blatant and obvious as an Eating disorder or as severe as suicidal ideations. But are you lonely, hurting, and ashamed? Are you too proud, scared, or insecure to reach out and let someone love you>? Or maybe your feeling and behaviors are comparable and your sitting there ready to just give up. Either way, severe or moderate, obvious or hidden, new or ongoing, the pain is real. 

So, what are we going to do about it? Yes i said WE. My pain isnt my burden to bear alone and neither is yours. It says in Galations 6 that we are to bear one anothers burdens so lets do that. I've laid some of the deepest parts of my heart out for all to see, its a vulnerable position indeed but by laying it all out the shame that festers in secrecy is obliterated.  Now its your turn to respond, what rang true to you?

What memory, habit, addiction, thought pattern, feeling, idol, sin, etc. just tears you up inside and you feel ashamed that its there. 

Its time to let it go and embrace the freedom and love of Christ and the fellowship of his body.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." James 5:16

Enough is enough

How many are broken, how many are hurt,

How many are wishing to be buried in dirt. 

How many are tired and fed up with the game,

of striving and "winning" yet feeling the same?

The popular status, the body and toys,

may seem like success but are really just ploys

avoiding the emptiness under it all

that resides in us humans because of the fall.

So instead of avoiding and hiding in shame

lets get real in love for thats why Christ came.

To destroy works of Satan and expose all his lies

So we may live free and not fear our demise.

Brothers and sisters Christ's calling your bluff

your not "ok" and enough is enough...

---Will Brooksbank---

Hello my name is Will Brooksbank and I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, self-defeating negative thoughts, and an eating disorder since I was 11 years old. Eight years and countless treatment centers, therapy sessions, hospitalizations, and "self-help" seminars later I've decided that enough is enough in my life. Im done feeling inadequate, inferior, unworthy, and incapable of having Gods love. Christ died so that we can have a relationship with him, experience his love, and have eternal life. Im right in thinking that i don't deserve it, but thats the reason why the gospel is called the "Good News". WE ALL FALL SHORT, (Romans 3:23) but yet CHRIST DIED FOR US ANYWAY!! (Romans 5:8-10) We are saved by grace through faith, theres nothing we can do to add to or take away from Gods ultimate sacrifice/love for us.(Romans 3:24; 3:28; 11:16; Ephesians 2:4-7)

So how about we just start with that,

my vision for this blog/forum thingy (idk what the heck im doing honestly this is all new to me)

is that everyone can just be real

get brutally honest, ask the hard questions, reveal the deep pains and hurts

and allow Gods love to flow through to bring healing and freedom.

"For the law of the Spirit of life [fn]in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death."

Romans 8:2

Lets live out the freedom we have in Christ, share our successes and support each other in our struggles.

AMEN!