I mean Im 19 years old and have spent my whole life hating every inch of my being, never feeling adequate, always feeling like i was "missing out". Partly because i was, i spent probably 60% of my adolescence within the confines of treatment centers across the country and when i was home every waking moment i was reminded of how "different" and "screwed up" i was compared to everyone else.
I looked around me and saw kids smiling, having fun, going on vacations, developing relationships, dating, etc. While i just fought to stay alive. Not to mention at age eight I remember begging God to use me, take my heart, and turn me into the person he wanted me to be. Is this what you had in mind God?!?!?!?! I felt so angry and bitter at God, but yet hated myself for feeling that way. Who was I to question the God of the universe/? And what a terrible person I must be for feeling angry at God. The guilt, shame, and self-hatred festered and time after time when i tried to be positive, have hope, and change i fell flat on my face. It got to the point where I just gave up... i wrote this poem sometime inbetween treatments during a summer when i was in the midst of a severe relapse and was bingeing and purging around 12-15 times a day.
Will the pain inside ever cease to exist?
My worthless spirit alone in the mist.
Does anyone ever hear my cry?
The only way out, it seems, to die.
A simple way to end a life,
stop it all with the slip of a knife.
To kill the pain along with the body
hoping to rise to a place that is holy.
Where no more pain and hurt can touch
my weary soul my long worn crutch.
Lord o' Lord, King of kings
why have you not saved me from disease?
And why is my life so plagued with hurt,
that my deepest desire is to be buried in dirt.
I was tearing up just typing that out, the pain, confusion, and hopelessness just ripped me limb from limb. Even today as i sit here i feel so sad, that younger Will felt so alone and instead of accepting the love of others around him he continued to try and "tough it out". But in doing so just dug himself into a deeper hole.
Man....
Now I pose the question to all of you out there, does any of my story ring true to you?
Maybe not as blatant and obvious as an Eating disorder or as severe as suicidal ideations. But are you lonely, hurting, and ashamed? Are you too proud, scared, or insecure to reach out and let someone love you>? Or maybe your feeling and behaviors are comparable and your sitting there ready to just give up. Either way, severe or moderate, obvious or hidden, new or ongoing, the pain is real.
So, what are we going to do about it? Yes i said WE. My pain isnt my burden to bear alone and neither is yours. It says in Galations 6 that we are to bear one anothers burdens so lets do that. I've laid some of the deepest parts of my heart out for all to see, its a vulnerable position indeed but by laying it all out the shame that festers in secrecy is obliterated. Now its your turn to respond, what rang true to you?
What memory, habit, addiction, thought pattern, feeling, idol, sin, etc. just tears you up inside and you feel ashamed that its there.
Its time to let it go and embrace the freedom and love of Christ and the fellowship of his body.
| "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results." James 5:16 |
William, where do I even begin? Here I am, up late, moping about how terrible my life can be and how completely alone I am (its one of thoseeee moods, again). Until of course, I read this and realize, oh yeah, i'm not! You are an exceptionally amazing writer btw. It still surprises me how similar we are - it's almost as if I wrote this myself. There's some differences of course, but very few as far as this post goes. I have several poems almost the same as yours word for word from a few years ago. Reading yours nearly brought me to tears because I understand exactly what it represents, i've been there. I am incredibly proud of you right now for even writing this, must less posting for the world to see. I feel very privileged to see this side of you too. Your growth these past few weeks is enjoyable to see and I'm so excited you've decided to try this blog thingy out!
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